dream chronicles

i had never seen the moon so large or so close. it seemed to take up my entire field of vision save for the dark blue and white foamy waves lapping at my feet.  sitting there, i slowed my rapid heartbeat by aligning my breaths with the incoming tide. as i looked out into this massive silver moon, what seemed like a hole punctured in the blackness that is the universe, i noticed the waves becoming more ominous. the dark water started to rage overhead as though it wanted to overtake the giant moon completely. perhaps the water was envious of this magnificent, glowing sphere and demanded my attention.
i stayed seated, legs outstretched (now becoming drenched by the angry water), the moon hiding behind the towering waves but its reflection was now cast even further. each exhale fell in line with the crashing water. i felt enveloped by the salty air and the glowing moon, and for the first time

i felt it.

i had heard it described my whole life; a release, they would tell me. it's like you're weightless, not tied down by anything. nothing matters, someone else said. i closed my eyes and let it sink in deeper into my pores, through my bloodstream and past my vital organs and tissue. all the way into my soul. i would never forget this moment, this feeling. i would never forget the first time i knew my life would be different. i knew

i was free.

so weary and empty. i can barely produce words from my brain to the keyboard. there is so much on my mind and i just want to escape. get my out of the swirling, blinding, maze of thoughts and fear and doubt. i am lost, desperately seeing a pathway through this fog. i need direction and purpose. i need a light in this dark haze.

i have two tattoos and had kind of closed the book on the idea of getting any more. but for some reason yesterday an idea for one hit me out of nowhere. i hadn't even been thinking of it and suddenly i got an image of it. its pretty simple, really.  one of my favorite poems of all time is "i carry your heart with me" by ee cummings. he is also one of my most favorite poets. so i pictured the words "i carry your heart" along my left side rib cage written in typewriter font. font kind of like this:

 

and here is the poem:

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

 I guess I'm just not a blogger at heart. Its hard to find significance in the day to day life. This should be my personal challenge. Find beauty in the mundane. For now, here is a beautiful monologue. Dark and creepy, but beautiful.

"The car is on fire, and there's no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows

The government is corrupt
And we're on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn

We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death

The sun has fallen down
And the billboards are all leering
And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles

It went like this:

The buildings tumbled in on themselves
Mothers clutching babies
Picked through the rubble
And pulled out their hair

The skyline was beautiful on fire
All twisted metal stretching upwards
Everything washed in a thin orange haze

I said, "Kiss me, you're beautiful -
These are truly the last days"

You grabbed my hand
And we fell into it
Like a daydream
Or a fever

We woke up one morning and fell a little further down
For sure it's the valley of death

I open up my wallet
And it's full of blood"

-The Dead Flag Blues by Godspeed You! Black Emperor

Isaiah 43:1-3
"But now, this is what the LORD says—
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.

When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the LORD, your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.."


Ten things I'm thankful for today: 1. Jesus, 2. My incredible friends, 3. Loving parents, 4. My big soft bed, 5. College, 6. My job, 7. Flavored water that is soothing my sore throat, 8. Andrew Joseph, 9. Community, 10. Sunshine

Although I am sick and utterly unmotivated today, Jesus is adding brightness to this otherwise dull morning. I am so overwhelmed by his grace.

so i feel good today. i've been disciplining myself on getting enough sleep and the past couple days have felt completely full of energy. so thankful! i also love fall when sunshine is involved. here's what i'm picturing:

basically some combination of these two things. its about 11:30 and my lovely boyfriend is meeting me for my lunch break at noon. today IS going to be a good day.

also, i'm thankful for you rachel baransi!

I'm failing at this already. Missed my blogortunity yesterday, and the day before had little to no substance whatsoever. Its interesting how little I feel like I really have to say thats worth anything. The days seem to bleed together with a blend of mandaine and extraordinary experiences. Nothing, however, seems quite noteworthy in the day-to-day. Sometimes I wonder if bloggers and journalers are really just writing love letters to their egos. I certainly would fall into that category with my over-dramatic, self-involved, whiney musings. And here I sit at work, as usual, wondering what I could possibly expel from my thoughts that isn't negative and weight-bearing. Oh! My cousin just had her third babe this morning...Evelyn Maye Lyons. I can not wait to meet her.

I guess thats it for this cold, rainy morning. Here's where I wish I was: