catharsis

i just mentally explored all of the possible greetings to start this blog post and realized, who am i greeting? good afternoon, hello world, ah we meet again....kind of useless phrases to start a post only my eyes will read. so here i go with a running start into this brief mental outpour. i'm taking a moment now to give my lungs a little treat, breathing in deeply and actually letting them fill fully with air. anxiety seems to rob them of this luxury as it creates a slight pressure in my chest thats actually muscle tension that only allows slight expansion of my poor lungs. this renders me constantly short of breath. i digress. i really just wanted to make  a quick note of my present mental and emotional state as i like to keep a record of my seasonal changes. at this very moment, i am mostly content. fall quarter starts back in two days and i will be taking biology (dread) with my love rachelb (joy) and these two good and evil components cancel each other out. spanish should be interesting but tolerable, and an online english may be the death of me. but it is literature and english is my major so i should take some comfort in that. speaking of which, i had a good talk with someone last night about my potential studying abroad next summer. she's done the same program and absolutely urged me to do it. its in greenwich, england. my heart says yes but my mind says no. we'll see who wins this fight in the end. i did a lot of socializing and mini "traveling" this summer, so maybe next summer can be reserved for a big, new adventure. deep breath again. lately my heart is full of God and romance. seperately and together. i am so in love with God, in love with the world and my surroundings, in love with my man. i am so blessed. i've been listening to the song "heavy in your arms" by florence + the machine on repeat and today it made me cry. these words resonate so deeply and inspire so much emotion - joy and sorrow.

"I was a heavy heart to carry, my beloved was weighed down. My arms around his neck, my fingers laced a crown. I was a heavy heart to carry but he never let me down. When he held me in his arms my feet never touched the ground."

it inspires emotion but mostly gratitude. these words relate to both God and andrew (not that they're on the same plain in any fashion, but they have both saved me in their own ways). i have so much baggage, but God knew andrew was strong enough to support me and all of this. it has been the most beautiful release of past and pain in my life and i am a whole new and better person. i am endlessly thankful. i have about twenty minutes left of this work day and i'm off to school in less than forty-eight hours. hopefully my last quarter at columbus state and i am determined to make it a good one.